Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Eyes Wide Open
I have so many other things I need to be doing right now, but so many thoughts are whirling around in my head that I have to write them out. My boyfriend and I broke up Saturday night. I am crushed because even though we were not together for a long time, everything seemed to fit. Except for one thing....I highly question whether he is a Christian. He says he is a good person but had never read the Bible. How could I have disregarded the most important element in a healthy relationship? I desire to have God as the focal point of my relationships but how could I have been so blinded? I assumed he was a Christian and little was said about it in the beginning and now I am questioning whether I just heard what I wanted to hear when we talked about it the first time. We had a pretty revealing converstation Saturday night and hearing him talk just made me sad and hurt for him. He is one of the most selfless, amazing men I have met and to not know the one, true God hurts me. But beyond that, one thing that he said STUCK with me and I have not been able to get it out of my head. He said, "I did not know you were that religious. I had no clue you ready your Bible every day." Wow...I am ashamed that I fit in so well as a non-believer, that my life and my actions did not reflect that of a follower of Christ. We are to be set apart and I fit right in... I miss him, and I am hurting, but I am glad God used this to open my eyes to how I have been living. That my actions do not reflect my heart...and I am sadly a walking contradiction; a hypocrite.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Affirmation: Where much is given, much is required.
I have dreaded writing this blog today....ok, maybe dreaded is not the right word. I am fishing for the perfect description for how I feel and cannot put it into words. I am discouraged, encouraged, disappointed, proud, anxious but hopeful, excited and scared to death. ...how to put that into one descriptor word, I haven't a clue.
A year ago today, was a life altering day and I remember it vividly like it happened yesterday. I apologize in advance if what I write in the next few paragraphs is appalling, unappealing, and maybe unwanted, but being real and honest about where I have been is the only way to heal and move forward. April 6, 2010 was the day I checked myself into treatment for an eating disorder that I had battled and am still battling for 9 years. I woke up that morning, confident but terrified. I did not get much sleep because I had binged and purged all night long the night before. Maybe it was because I knew I would not be able to comfort myself that way again...maybe it was because I did not know how to deal with the emotions I was feeling....maybe I was trying to have my final goodbye with my eating disorder. I looked in the mirror at my sick 100 lb frame, my eyes sunken in and tired, and I cried. I cried the entire morning as I got ready to leave. I remember crying all the way to Presby. I txt'd my friends, family and knew life for me would only get harder. Not harder in the sense that I would not know how to exist in the world, but harder in that I would have to exist without the escape of bulimia. That the life I had built (which was no life at all) for the past decade was about to change.
I arrived and met with Kay, the admissions worker...she was reassuring and walked me through the administration process. Reality had not set in as I sat in the waiting room with my huge suitcase filled with cute clothes, jewelry, and toiletries. I wore my cute MissMe jeans...size 24 or 25...a size a teenager would wear. I had on my black shirt and cute turquoise earrings. Who was I trying to impress??? The morning was long as I sat waiting and finally was escorted to the psych floor, a place I NEVER want to experience again. I was greated by a witch of a nurse, who treated me like a dog leading me from one room to the other, making me take off my clothes as she examined my naked body for markings, diseases and any visible signs of self destructive behavior. She weighed me, had me turn over my jewelry and cell phone to her and sat me in the common area. Who were these people?? "A, B, C, A, B, C, 1, 2, 3..." one woman yelled over and over as she marched around the room. One man wore a shower cap, hospital gown and a blanket around his shoulders and walked around staring and murmuring something under his breath. It was far worse than I could have imagined and wanted to bust out in tears. But I stayed strong...not sure why. Every inch of me wanted to run...but I couldn't...I had to be strong. (so I thought).
After meeting with several nurses, doctors and dietitions, telling my story over and over, I was forced to eat lunch. I sat in a separate room than the rest of the group with one nurse and another girl. She was tiny and refused to eat. I remember what I ate vividly, bbq chicken, corn and zuccini/squash. I remember thinking that this would not be so bad as I ate about 70% of what they had given me. "I can do this!" The nurse then told me that since it was my first day, she would not make me finish my plate....WHAT??? The plate was a full dinner-size portion! That was lunch...and we have to finish it all?? The girl that was in the room with me refused to eat and when the nurse left shared how awful and hateful the staff were. What did I get myself into???
I was finally escorted to my room where one of the nurses went through my suitcase, allowed me to take only 2-4 outfits, a few pieces of underware and only toiletries without alcohol. She took my blow dryer, straightener, razor, mouthwash and hair serum....like I was a prisoner. Because I was on the same floor as suicidal patients and addicts, we had to be treated the same as everyone else. I was terrified. I do not remember dinner that night....I think shock had set in. I met some of the other ED girls and was scared to death. One of the girls, who is a miracle today, was so frail...barely over 80lbs. She is my age and has a daughter and my heart broke....how sick and deadly this disease is!!! My first night there I creid and cried and cried.
I was in the hospital for 10 LONG days and in outpatient therapy for 3 months after that. Monday through friday, 8am to 5pm sometimes 6 or 7pm and was the hardest thing I have been through. But It hasn't stopped. I am STILL working on myself and STILL struggle with builimia. Which is why today was so full of emotions. I approached this day defeated and disappointed with myself that after a year, I still struggle. I still binge/purge and some of the goals I had set while in treatment are still far in the distance. While in treatement, my expectations were so unrealistic. I think I viewed it as a cure-all. I would go to treatment and come out cured...but that is SO not the case. I have to look at the positive...but where to start. I have so many feelings, thoughts, and theories about the whole thing.
First of all, I cannot be ashamed of where I am. I am where I am and must go through what I am to be used the way God needs me. Does that make sense? I was so discouraged about today, but ended on such a great note. I woke up today and read through my journal that I kept while in treatment. Praise God I am not where I was a year ago...9 year ago. I am thankful and grateful for where I am today. YES I still have moments where I binge and purge, but I know this...it has and is getting better, easier and I am so blessed!!! I am bawling because I have realized something today. I have been given more than many people have. If you looked at my bank account, you would gasp....because I have a problem, that I battle daily. I still feel the need to spend to feel worthy. Not that I feel I am unworthy (read the article in the link I attached to this blog) I will address that later in this blog that is now a novel so I apologize for it being so long. But this is a monumental day, so tough! :)
The title of this blog has everything to do with the what I am going to say from here on out. I am rich, blessed and have been LAVISHED with gifts from God, my amazing family and friends. Firstly, I am alive, and that in itself is something that I cannot put a price on. That tells me that God is NOT done with me. This verse popped in my head today...and up until today, never felt such conviction. Straight from the mough of Jesus himself in Luke 12:48 reads, "...And from everyone who has been given much shall much be required; and to whom they entrusted much of him will ask all the more." My entire life I have been given so much! Through this entire process, I am still healthy...even I could not ruin that because God is preserving me for His work, for my children, my husband, and those also struggling with similar addictions. I have an amazing family that has done nothing more than pour themselves out to me. My sister has been my rock, my greatest encourager, has opened herself up to me, given me her time, her ears and her heart...something I appreciated but didn't fully grasp how precious a gift she is to me. I have a job, though stressful at times, allowed me time off each time I was in the hospital and for the 90 days of paid medical leave they allowed me so I could go to treatment. I have wonderful friends who encourage and pray for me daily, an amazing boyfriend who (so far, haha) is the most wonderful, understanding, encouraging and supportive man I have ever known, parents who would die for me and most importantly a Heavenly Father who did die for me. It has been weighing on my heart since treatment to give back...I can't not give back. So to whom much is given, much is required....I am ready. In the Bible God used the harlott, the thief, the unrighteous to do His work, and so today, God uses the bulimic, the drug addict, the diseased, the suffering to do His work. Meaning....we are all being used to fulfill His purpose. I know without a shaddow of a doubt that what we go through is meant to prepare us for what we will face in the future. I saw my therapist today and it is like God speaks through her. Everytime I speak with her, she says something so specific that I have had on my heart that I cannot ignore or dismiss that they are God's words.
Eating disorders are more prevalent and is such an isolated disease that not talking about it is only feeding the illness. The link I attached was sent from a friend who I just met but was such a blessing to me. I read the article and bawled all the way through. Because it is the very core of who we are. No one is perfect and the strive to be perfect only yields failure. Because when we really find who we are, we can rejoice in our imperfections, relate to one another and build meaningful, authentic and real relationships.
LONG I know...and there is so much more that I want to say, but that will have to wait. It's getitng late and I am sure your eyes are dying from staring at the computer screen. Today was a good day...reflective day....and affirmative day. I am thankful and grateful that I have a loving Father who sees me worthy of life and life abundantly.I will leave you with a verse I ready today.
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which passes ALL comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
A year ago today, was a life altering day and I remember it vividly like it happened yesterday. I apologize in advance if what I write in the next few paragraphs is appalling, unappealing, and maybe unwanted, but being real and honest about where I have been is the only way to heal and move forward. April 6, 2010 was the day I checked myself into treatment for an eating disorder that I had battled and am still battling for 9 years. I woke up that morning, confident but terrified. I did not get much sleep because I had binged and purged all night long the night before. Maybe it was because I knew I would not be able to comfort myself that way again...maybe it was because I did not know how to deal with the emotions I was feeling....maybe I was trying to have my final goodbye with my eating disorder. I looked in the mirror at my sick 100 lb frame, my eyes sunken in and tired, and I cried. I cried the entire morning as I got ready to leave. I remember crying all the way to Presby. I txt'd my friends, family and knew life for me would only get harder. Not harder in the sense that I would not know how to exist in the world, but harder in that I would have to exist without the escape of bulimia. That the life I had built (which was no life at all) for the past decade was about to change.
I arrived and met with Kay, the admissions worker...she was reassuring and walked me through the administration process. Reality had not set in as I sat in the waiting room with my huge suitcase filled with cute clothes, jewelry, and toiletries. I wore my cute MissMe jeans...size 24 or 25...a size a teenager would wear. I had on my black shirt and cute turquoise earrings. Who was I trying to impress??? The morning was long as I sat waiting and finally was escorted to the psych floor, a place I NEVER want to experience again. I was greated by a witch of a nurse, who treated me like a dog leading me from one room to the other, making me take off my clothes as she examined my naked body for markings, diseases and any visible signs of self destructive behavior. She weighed me, had me turn over my jewelry and cell phone to her and sat me in the common area. Who were these people?? "A, B, C, A, B, C, 1, 2, 3..." one woman yelled over and over as she marched around the room. One man wore a shower cap, hospital gown and a blanket around his shoulders and walked around staring and murmuring something under his breath. It was far worse than I could have imagined and wanted to bust out in tears. But I stayed strong...not sure why. Every inch of me wanted to run...but I couldn't...I had to be strong. (so I thought).
After meeting with several nurses, doctors and dietitions, telling my story over and over, I was forced to eat lunch. I sat in a separate room than the rest of the group with one nurse and another girl. She was tiny and refused to eat. I remember what I ate vividly, bbq chicken, corn and zuccini/squash. I remember thinking that this would not be so bad as I ate about 70% of what they had given me. "I can do this!" The nurse then told me that since it was my first day, she would not make me finish my plate....WHAT??? The plate was a full dinner-size portion! That was lunch...and we have to finish it all?? The girl that was in the room with me refused to eat and when the nurse left shared how awful and hateful the staff were. What did I get myself into???
I was finally escorted to my room where one of the nurses went through my suitcase, allowed me to take only 2-4 outfits, a few pieces of underware and only toiletries without alcohol. She took my blow dryer, straightener, razor, mouthwash and hair serum....like I was a prisoner. Because I was on the same floor as suicidal patients and addicts, we had to be treated the same as everyone else. I was terrified. I do not remember dinner that night....I think shock had set in. I met some of the other ED girls and was scared to death. One of the girls, who is a miracle today, was so frail...barely over 80lbs. She is my age and has a daughter and my heart broke....how sick and deadly this disease is!!! My first night there I creid and cried and cried.
I was in the hospital for 10 LONG days and in outpatient therapy for 3 months after that. Monday through friday, 8am to 5pm sometimes 6 or 7pm and was the hardest thing I have been through. But It hasn't stopped. I am STILL working on myself and STILL struggle with builimia. Which is why today was so full of emotions. I approached this day defeated and disappointed with myself that after a year, I still struggle. I still binge/purge and some of the goals I had set while in treatment are still far in the distance. While in treatement, my expectations were so unrealistic. I think I viewed it as a cure-all. I would go to treatment and come out cured...but that is SO not the case. I have to look at the positive...but where to start. I have so many feelings, thoughts, and theories about the whole thing.
First of all, I cannot be ashamed of where I am. I am where I am and must go through what I am to be used the way God needs me. Does that make sense? I was so discouraged about today, but ended on such a great note. I woke up today and read through my journal that I kept while in treatment. Praise God I am not where I was a year ago...9 year ago. I am thankful and grateful for where I am today. YES I still have moments where I binge and purge, but I know this...it has and is getting better, easier and I am so blessed!!! I am bawling because I have realized something today. I have been given more than many people have. If you looked at my bank account, you would gasp....because I have a problem, that I battle daily. I still feel the need to spend to feel worthy. Not that I feel I am unworthy (read the article in the link I attached to this blog) I will address that later in this blog that is now a novel so I apologize for it being so long. But this is a monumental day, so tough! :)
The title of this blog has everything to do with the what I am going to say from here on out. I am rich, blessed and have been LAVISHED with gifts from God, my amazing family and friends. Firstly, I am alive, and that in itself is something that I cannot put a price on. That tells me that God is NOT done with me. This verse popped in my head today...and up until today, never felt such conviction. Straight from the mough of Jesus himself in Luke 12:48 reads, "...And from everyone who has been given much shall much be required; and to whom they entrusted much of him will ask all the more." My entire life I have been given so much! Through this entire process, I am still healthy...even I could not ruin that because God is preserving me for His work, for my children, my husband, and those also struggling with similar addictions. I have an amazing family that has done nothing more than pour themselves out to me. My sister has been my rock, my greatest encourager, has opened herself up to me, given me her time, her ears and her heart...something I appreciated but didn't fully grasp how precious a gift she is to me. I have a job, though stressful at times, allowed me time off each time I was in the hospital and for the 90 days of paid medical leave they allowed me so I could go to treatment. I have wonderful friends who encourage and pray for me daily, an amazing boyfriend who (so far, haha) is the most wonderful, understanding, encouraging and supportive man I have ever known, parents who would die for me and most importantly a Heavenly Father who did die for me. It has been weighing on my heart since treatment to give back...I can't not give back. So to whom much is given, much is required....I am ready. In the Bible God used the harlott, the thief, the unrighteous to do His work, and so today, God uses the bulimic, the drug addict, the diseased, the suffering to do His work. Meaning....we are all being used to fulfill His purpose. I know without a shaddow of a doubt that what we go through is meant to prepare us for what we will face in the future. I saw my therapist today and it is like God speaks through her. Everytime I speak with her, she says something so specific that I have had on my heart that I cannot ignore or dismiss that they are God's words.
Eating disorders are more prevalent and is such an isolated disease that not talking about it is only feeding the illness. The link I attached was sent from a friend who I just met but was such a blessing to me. I read the article and bawled all the way through. Because it is the very core of who we are. No one is perfect and the strive to be perfect only yields failure. Because when we really find who we are, we can rejoice in our imperfections, relate to one another and build meaningful, authentic and real relationships.
LONG I know...and there is so much more that I want to say, but that will have to wait. It's getitng late and I am sure your eyes are dying from staring at the computer screen. Today was a good day...reflective day....and affirmative day. I am thankful and grateful that I have a loving Father who sees me worthy of life and life abundantly.I will leave you with a verse I ready today.
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which passes ALL comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
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