It's been a LONG time since I've posted anything but was pleasantly reminded today how great it is to share sometimes. I think I have avoided sharing many things that I have been through for silly reasons, but mostly because sharing them also brings along the intense reality. Sometimes it's easier to pretend and live in denial because the emotions are just too strong. But, with sharing comes healing. By feeling emotions, crying our eyes out, laughing so hard we pee....that's how we heal, that's how grow and that's how we learn to appreciate life. And just as I am writing this, I am realizing just how much I have focused on the hard emotions, cried my eyes out, that I haven't taken the time to laugh...laugh until my stomach aches, until I cry and can't breathe! I miss those days! :) I remember Christina and I used to get tickled over the silliest things and laugh so hard that we both ended up red-faced and flowing with tears. Although I do not regret focusing on the hard issues I desperately need to let go.
Many of you already know of my battle with bulimia, it's been a long road, and is still a journey that I will have to discover and learn from. I look back on the day I checked into treatment at Presby...I had no clue just how hard it would be. I remember the feeling of desperation, knowing I had no other option, and feeling completely lost. I look back and remember how dark those days were thank my amazing God for not giving up on me. I thank my beautiful, prescious family for being my rock 100% every day. And now, I can laugh out loud the fact that my hospital rooms, (all four times I was hospitalized for various things), looked like a freakin zoo. Because I was so blessed to have my entire immediate family camping out with for days on end. My room was filled with nurses, doctors, flowers, mom, dad, brother, sister, brother-in-law, two year old nephew, a million laptops, cell phones, friends and partriage in a pair tree! :) Man, I am lucky!!!
Another change...the fact that I am now single. Good and bad, I have mixed feelings. Good in the fact that I know now I would not have had a happy marriage in the relationship I was in, but bad in feeling that I have to start over. I have dated like mad machine....some good, some bad, and mostly just as confusing as I remember it! Ahhh...the joys of dating. I am just tired of the games and have ended up blabbing my entire life story to a few of the guys...suprisingly, they still wanted to date. Hmmm...this honesty-no-games mentality may just work! :) Who would have known? So that's where I am. This is me. This is what I want. And this is what I've been through. Take it or leave it. :) I have had great dates, awkward dates, exciting dates and boring ones, but have gained a new appreciation for the opposite sex. Although many guys are just still bone heads, poor things do have a lot of pressure to impress a girl!
Anyway, just needed to blab a bit. No real purpose to this blog, but only to say that I am glad I got back on here, shared a few thoughts and look forward to doing it again!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Daily Munchies
It's been way too long since my last posting. It's either I don't "have time" or just simply have not been motivated. I think it is because I know there are many things I NEED to write about and just don't want to face them. :) Lovely procrastination.
So because my "followers" (sounds like a cult or something), are all close to my heart, I'm going to be forthright, open, and bluntly honest. All of you know about my recent decision to kick the nasty arse of an eating disorder that has taken the last eight years of my life and flushed it down the toilet. Part of that journey is the lovely "re-feeding" process. I could say that this is easy...it's human nature to eat food and most know that it is nothting more than nourishment for the body. NOT to me. Food is the very thing that I have been fearful of and controlling over of for almost a decade. Try giving a person who has chosen to "rid" her body of any kind of food after eating, a meal, let alone three full meals and two snacks a day. Torture! Although an eating disorder is definitely an addiction, it is different from most. For when you are treating a crack addict, they do not face or see an ounce of crack during recovery/treatment, nor an alcoholic sees a drop of alcohol. But for an eating disorder, we see food DAILY and have to face it, eat it and keep it.
My body, muscles, digestive system, brain, heart, lungs, bones...None of it was used to having to digest, absorb, or rid the body of food, nutrients and waste. Now, it's having to re-learn...poor lil thing. The muscles in my digestive system are having to learn how to move the food through my intestines...definitely a strain on the GI system. EEEK. So all that to say, it's done a number on my body. I will post another post soon about what it has done exactly and the small victories that I have encountered as my body heals.
But today I want to talk about my food Because I used to stare at recipe after recipe for hours upon hours, (most definitely one of my eating disorder behaviors), I figure I could put this to good use. So I have gotten a few recipes down. I have tacked bbq chicken, of which my family graciously ate, over and over again. SO, I ventured out and cooked my family pork, that i cooked with brown gravy in a croc pot, with carrots, mushrooms, green beans and brown rice. I THINK they liked it!! :) But my biggest venture is cooking for myself and eating alone. This would be the easiest time to either not eat, or rid myself of the food...but it's what you do when no one is watching that defines your character. Isn't that how the saying goes?? So, my dietition gave me a wonderful fish recipe that I cook a LOT and love.
For one person, the Ingredients:
1 filet of fish (any kind, salmon, tilapia...anything)
1 cup of veggies (could be broccoli, zuccini/squash, carrots, )
1/2 chopped sweet potato
salt
pepper
olive oil
any other seasoning you would like for your fish
Place the chopped sweet potatoes in a piece of foil, sprincle a few drops of olive oil and a shake of pepper on top. Close the foil around it and place in the oven as it preheats to 450 degrees. While it heats up, chop your vegetable and season it and your fish with olive oil, salt & pepper. You can also add a little lemon juice or any other seasoning you would like. Once the oven is heated take foil with your sweet potatoes out of the oven, open and mix in the veggie with the potatoes and lay your fish filet on top. Reseal the foil and place in the oven for 20 min.
Whala...instant meal for one. :) On top of this, I also have a glass of milk, gass of water and cup of fruit (any kind). :) Yummy. But today, I did a little variation onf the recipe. I baked the fish and sweet potatoes and once cooked, laid it on a a bed of mixed red-tipped leafy greens, spinach leaves, chopped tomatos and apples. It was good.
Here are a few pictures of my cooking adventures. :)
So because my "followers" (sounds like a cult or something), are all close to my heart, I'm going to be forthright, open, and bluntly honest. All of you know about my recent decision to kick the nasty arse of an eating disorder that has taken the last eight years of my life and flushed it down the toilet. Part of that journey is the lovely "re-feeding" process. I could say that this is easy...it's human nature to eat food and most know that it is nothting more than nourishment for the body. NOT to me. Food is the very thing that I have been fearful of and controlling over of for almost a decade. Try giving a person who has chosen to "rid" her body of any kind of food after eating, a meal, let alone three full meals and two snacks a day. Torture! Although an eating disorder is definitely an addiction, it is different from most. For when you are treating a crack addict, they do not face or see an ounce of crack during recovery/treatment, nor an alcoholic sees a drop of alcohol. But for an eating disorder, we see food DAILY and have to face it, eat it and keep it.
My body, muscles, digestive system, brain, heart, lungs, bones...None of it was used to having to digest, absorb, or rid the body of food, nutrients and waste. Now, it's having to re-learn...poor lil thing. The muscles in my digestive system are having to learn how to move the food through my intestines...definitely a strain on the GI system. EEEK. So all that to say, it's done a number on my body. I will post another post soon about what it has done exactly and the small victories that I have encountered as my body heals.
But today I want to talk about my food Because I used to stare at recipe after recipe for hours upon hours, (most definitely one of my eating disorder behaviors), I figure I could put this to good use. So I have gotten a few recipes down. I have tacked bbq chicken, of which my family graciously ate, over and over again. SO, I ventured out and cooked my family pork, that i cooked with brown gravy in a croc pot, with carrots, mushrooms, green beans and brown rice. I THINK they liked it!! :) But my biggest venture is cooking for myself and eating alone. This would be the easiest time to either not eat, or rid myself of the food...but it's what you do when no one is watching that defines your character. Isn't that how the saying goes?? So, my dietition gave me a wonderful fish recipe that I cook a LOT and love.
For one person, the Ingredients:
1 filet of fish (any kind, salmon, tilapia...anything)
1 cup of veggies (could be broccoli, zuccini/squash, carrots, )
1/2 chopped sweet potato
salt
pepper
olive oil
any other seasoning you would like for your fish
Place the chopped sweet potatoes in a piece of foil, sprincle a few drops of olive oil and a shake of pepper on top. Close the foil around it and place in the oven as it preheats to 450 degrees. While it heats up, chop your vegetable and season it and your fish with olive oil, salt & pepper. You can also add a little lemon juice or any other seasoning you would like. Once the oven is heated take foil with your sweet potatoes out of the oven, open and mix in the veggie with the potatoes and lay your fish filet on top. Reseal the foil and place in the oven for 20 min.
Whala...instant meal for one. :) On top of this, I also have a glass of milk, gass of water and cup of fruit (any kind). :) Yummy. But today, I did a little variation onf the recipe. I baked the fish and sweet potatoes and once cooked, laid it on a a bed of mixed red-tipped leafy greens, spinach leaves, chopped tomatos and apples. It was good.
Here are a few pictures of my cooking adventures. :)
Friday, May 21, 2010
Recently, I was challenged to write my definition of an adult. Hmmm...odd request. I guess I haven't really thought about it, but realized that I have been excluding myself from the"adult" population. Here is what I came up with...
An Adult Is One Who...
*Is confident in who they are
*Is aware of their talents, strengths & weaknesses
*Is able to make good decision
*Is able to care for themselves & are aware of their needs as well as the needs of others
*Is wise and able to grow and learn from past experiences
*Is able to provide for themselves & family, both emotionally and financially
*Embraces their passions in life
*Takes an active part in life
*Is genuinely authentic
*Is able to express themselves & communicate effectively
*Is able to set & accomplish realistic goals
*Is mature & acts rationally
*Is responsible & reliable
*Honors their morals, values & beliefs
The surprising thing to me is that I, at the age of 27, do not see myself as an adult. However, after thinking about and writing this, I've realized a few things...
1. Being an adult is a process, continually making progress, constantly growing.
2. It is ok to be where I am right now.
3. Each of us is different, unique and learn and grow through different experiences, different choices, different passions, values and strengths.
4. We are continually living one day at a time, experiencing life that allows us to be our own, unique, individual adult self.
I have been doing a lot of internal evaluation and self-inventory, and realized that I have not been actively living. I had mentally checked-out and life has been passing me by. If we are not truly living, we miss out on the things we discover daily about ourselves. So here's to living - experiencing the joys, the pains, successes and failures, brokeness, confidence, doubt and faith.
Growth is a process. Adulthood is a process. Live, learn and grow.
An Adult Is One Who...
*Is confident in who they are
*Is aware of their talents, strengths & weaknesses
*Is able to make good decision
*Is able to care for themselves & are aware of their needs as well as the needs of others
*Is wise and able to grow and learn from past experiences
*Is able to provide for themselves & family, both emotionally and financially
*Embraces their passions in life
*Takes an active part in life
*Is genuinely authentic
*Is able to express themselves & communicate effectively
*Is able to set & accomplish realistic goals
*Is mature & acts rationally
*Is responsible & reliable
*Honors their morals, values & beliefs
The surprising thing to me is that I, at the age of 27, do not see myself as an adult. However, after thinking about and writing this, I've realized a few things...
1. Being an adult is a process, continually making progress, constantly growing.
2. It is ok to be where I am right now.
3. Each of us is different, unique and learn and grow through different experiences, different choices, different passions, values and strengths.
4. We are continually living one day at a time, experiencing life that allows us to be our own, unique, individual adult self.
I have been doing a lot of internal evaluation and self-inventory, and realized that I have not been actively living. I had mentally checked-out and life has been passing me by. If we are not truly living, we miss out on the things we discover daily about ourselves. So here's to living - experiencing the joys, the pains, successes and failures, brokeness, confidence, doubt and faith.
Growth is a process. Adulthood is a process. Live, learn and grow.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Where my ladies at??? :)
So am I wrong when I say that I feel women often forget just how wonderful it is to be a woman??? :) ...a phenomenal woman?? I am blogging about it only because it was pretty much the theme of my day today. Not all woman are spineless and push-overs like I am (haha..have to laugh because I am finally recognizing and working on it), but just that sometimes we lose ourselves. Whether it is lost in the midst of a relationship with your partner, children or even in some friendships, there are times that we lost what makes us amazing.
Let me share a poem by Maya Angelou. I advise you stand up and get the 'tude working. Say it with with a bit of arrogance...it is OK!
Phenomenal Woman
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's in the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman,
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
I ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Maya Angelou
Now tell me that doesn't make you proud to be a woman?? :) It just shows that those qualities and traits of a woman that society lables as "imperfections" are the true sense of what a woman's beauty really is all about. Praise God for my feminine curves, my confident swagger, and my ability to nurture and care! I embrace my femininity and will walk in the parade of confidence!
Let me share a poem by Maya Angelou. I advise you stand up and get the 'tude working. Say it with with a bit of arrogance...it is OK!
Phenomenal Woman
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's in the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman,
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
I ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Maya Angelou
Now tell me that doesn't make you proud to be a woman?? :) It just shows that those qualities and traits of a woman that society lables as "imperfections" are the true sense of what a woman's beauty really is all about. Praise God for my feminine curves, my confident swagger, and my ability to nurture and care! I embrace my femininity and will walk in the parade of confidence!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Welcome
I have never quite understood blogging, or following other blogs before. However, many recent changes and ventures in my life have allowed me to undersand the importance of journaling the thoughts that may be weighing heavy on your heart and mind. Not only is it important to journal, but to share these thoughts and experiences. The raw truth may touch another life, or attract advice and understanding from others.
So welcome to my blog. I am new to this but hope to start something captivating as well as spiritually and emotionally healing.
So welcome to my blog. I am new to this but hope to start something captivating as well as spiritually and emotionally healing.
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